My son's therapist and my family feel that it is the best thing that I am not here in order to transition him without falling back into old routines. My six year old daughter is being sent to stay with my parents in case the transition does not go well and he has to move out again. I do not want her to have to stay in the shelter too or be subjected to another possible failed attempt at rebuilding our family.

I just don't understand. I am not an addict or alcoholic, nor am I abusive; that was their father. I try to be a good mom and yet all I manage to do is make things worse for my children because most of what I do is out of guilt and I am not strong enough to be consistent. I thought I was a good role model because I left their father and I have gone back to school to try to make a life for my family. But every time my kids start following my lead, all they get is trouble because of how inconsistent and wishy washy I am. I am no good at discipline or sticking to a punishment. These are things I am working on, but am having little success with because I always feel so guilty that I end up making excuses for them or just ignoring the problem. 

The last two weeks have been especially hard because of the pressure to move out. I want to be here when my son comes home, I missed his birthday last week and have not seen him in too long. I am being told that I should be excited about getting my own place (after the shelter of course) which hopefully should be in a few weeks if everything goes well (recent job interview...fingers crossed). I am told that I am being given a chance to "redo" my life. I am in my late twenties and my family says I should be going into this excited that I have this chance without risking my children. My children will be taken care of by family while I go to school and work towards my degree and "learn to be an adult".

So why do I feel like such a failure? I feel like I am a horrible mom! Part of me was excited and looking forward to this chance and that made me feel even worse! (Like if I were a good mom I wouldn't be looking forward to this in any way!) I hope for the ability to go out and live on my own which is something I have never done, and get healthy enough to come back and be part of my family with my children. In the meantime, I am tired of bouncing between terror and guilt because right now the excitement is quite far away and probably will be at least until I have a job and a place.  I am tired of hating myself for feeling so weak and pathetic.