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Am I ready for a divorce? PDF Print E-mail
Story by kaf7911
Relationships

 



I am a 33 years old. My husband and I have 3 small children and have been married for almost 6 years. We have a good life, full of family and friends. We own a small house in New England that we bought during the peak of the housing market. However, I am very unhappy with my husband's efforts as a husband and a father.

 

I am the CEO of our family and responsible for all things child related, bills, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, gift buying, remembering birthdays/holidays, most yard work, doctors appointments, prescriptions, car maintenance, etc.  I work approximately 30 hours a week outside the house and have an amazing job/employer. 

My husband works for a large financial services corporation.  He works hard and is very successful at his job. He works approximately 50-55 hours a week and travels another 10 hours a week. He has ADD and takes anti-depressants.  He is always tired and he blames the medications.  He is also very social and loves to hang out with his friends.  He frequently has friends over to watch games or is going out to bars. He doesn't know how to control his drinking and drinks way too much on the weekends. When he drinks he becomes verbally abusive towards me (he has never hit me and I'm not worried that he will). 

Due to the current housing crisis we are upside down on our mortgage and have struggled with some credit card debt. He has been told by his employer that foreclosure and/or a short-sale could result in him being laid off. I worry that if I was to leave him, he would allow the house to be foreclosed on to purposefully lose his job, thus resulting in him not being able to help me financially with child care related costs.

For the past year (or more), I have felt overwhelmed by all of my responsibilities. No matter how often I ask for assistance from him, I constantly get told that he doesn't have time (since he works so much), or he agrees to help but doesn't follow through, or he just ignores my request. He is a total slob and now with 3 kids I feel like I really have 4. Our friends comment all the time, that I am an angel for putting up with him. I get angry every time I have to pick up his clothes off the floor, put his dishes in the dishwasher, open his mail to pay his bills, etc. I vent my frustrations out loud and my kids have started saying "Daddy bad again." I know this is horrible and I shouldn't say things like this in front of my kids, but my bigger concern is becoming my kids. 

divorceI don't want my kids, especially my sons to grow-up thinking that women should do everything. I want them to learn responsibility, to pick-up after themselves, to treat woman right, etc. I don't want my sons to think that in order to have fun alcohol must be involved. That someone will always be there to clean up your mess (whether physical mess, financial, etc.), and that doing a job half-way is acceptable. I could go on and on. 

I know I made the decision to have children with this man, but now that I learn more and more about how he feels they should be raised, I disagree with 95% of his parenting values (ex. he thinks the kids should learn to fight so that they can be the bully. I think they should learn to be nice so they have friends and don't need to fight). He doesn't want to spend time with me or the kids and uses work and his friends as excuses to get out of doing stuff with us. Recently the kids and I went on an extended trip, and he didn't call us once and when I got home his laundry was waiting for me.

I know this probably doesn't sound horrible to some women, because I do realize some women are in much worse positions. Ideally, I'd like to get full custody of the kids, divorce my husband and move back to my parents home (500 miles away). However, since my parents divorced when I was a child, I don't want to take my children away from their father because I know how much that hurts. I don't know how I can afford to offer my kids the life they are used to on my own living in the region of the country that we currently do. 

My husband and I have an almost sexless marriage (in fact the last time we had sex I ended up pregnant with our 3rd child).  We are not intimate with each other at all, except for the forehead kiss I get daily before he leaves for work. My husband is an only child and as such is very selfish. He never offers to help with the kids and when he does help with the kids it is because I make him. Therefore I am not worried about being a single mom. I can do that. I am worried about money, and where is the best place to raise my kids and moving forward with life in the best way possible for my kids. 

I look forward to hearing from others that have been in similar situations and how they handled them.


 

Comments  

 
0 #3 RE: Am I ready for a divorce?Tonya 2011-04-06 06:50
When I read this, it hit so close to home. I could have sworn, I was the one that wrote it. I am having the EXACT same issues right now and I'm at my breaking point. I wish I could tell you what the right thing to do is, but I can't seem to figure that out for myself. Keep your head up sweetie. It'll all work out like it's supposed to.
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+3 #2 divorce?trixie 2011-04-03 03:22
I'm sorry for your situation that you are currently in. I have been with my husband for a total of 11yrs now. We have been married almost 10 of those yrs this coming November. We have two children who are my 7yr old son and my daughter who will be 4yrs old in May.

He takes care of his family by working, but the ultimate price my kids and I pay is that he drives a truck for a living, and he is away from home 95 percent of the time. In the beginning when we first got pregnant with our son he was involved with him and couldn't wait to get home to me in the evening, when he did have a 7-3 job.

Then when I got pregnant with my daughter everything changed for us. He decided he wanted to go back to driving and didn't want to be home anymore. When I told him I was pregnant we drifted apart. He came home less and less, and when he was home he was elsewhere.

Almost like he was there visiting us and couldn't wait to get back home. We had no sex life once I became pregnant with our daughter. I knew he was unfaithful because he couldn't go without it before he went back to driving, and when he came home he didn't share our bed any longer. So I told him I couldn't live that way anymore and that I was done.

I told him that I have children who depend on me to care for them, even if he didn't care. I told him all I expected was his help with the kids alone and nothing more, and I was walking out the door with our children. He said wait please don't leave me I'll change, I'll do whatever it takes. So we got counseling, and it has gotten a little better in the last 4yrs.

Give him an option, he can or will not change. Tell him that you feel like you two need help in your marriage as well as he needs help being a father and if not then you will leave him. I can tell you love him and want to save your family but if he isn't willing to change then you have to make the change for him. Good Luck and God Bless
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+2 #1 RE: Am I ready for a divorce?Lauren 2011-04-01 19:22
I'm sorry I can't offer any advice because I'm in a similar situation but I feel for you. My husband is a workaholic who comes home and refuses to deal with anything including our family. He likes to hang out with the guys and he leaves me and our son alone most of the time.

I am contemplating filing for divorce because we do not communicate at all and I'm fed up with him ignoring us as if we don't exist.

Good luck to you and whatever you decide, I hope you find happiness.
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