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I have been married for 7 years now and my husband is currently deployed. I had to reset the Netflix password through his email and seen that his ex sent him a message through Facebook. I checked his Facebook and was so surprised to learn that he started writing her first, telling her he needs a pen pal.

 

I'm just confused and don't know what to do. I know I should not have checked his stuff but this girl just won't go away and this is not the first time this has happened. I love him, but I feel he may still have feelings for her and just settled for me. I don't want to bring it up as he is in Afghanistan but I'm so upset about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. We have 3 kids and I would hate for them to lose their dad.

 

STORY UPDATE: 7/8/2011

Trust-facebookSo after I posted "TRUST" I could not just keep it in so I did talk to my husband about the issue and he said the same thing. He just needs someone who is not me to talk to because he doesn't want me to worry. I get that but don't understand why out of the 100+ friends he has on Facebook he chose her. He says he stopped emailing her and that he's sorry but the damage is done. I just don't trust him anymore. He's doing everything he can so I would forgive him (flowers and gifts) but I don't think I can. I feel like I have to protect myself from more heartbreak so I'm very guarded now. I'm trying to forgive him because I love him and we have been together 9 years but it's not easy. Especially since he's hurt me before. My kids deserve to have their family but I'm not sure if it would be good for them to have and unhappy mom!!
 

Comments  

 
-3 #4 I Agree 100% with oldfart — seether 2011-05-29 16:58
If I were over in a war ridden country, the last person I would want to have as a pen pal is my significant other: it's too stressful. In the event he didn't write you back in the time frame he normally does, you'd be more worried than you are now and blow things way out of proportion. My brother is retired from the navy and while he was deployed he wrote to his friends more than he spoke to his family; he just wanted to hear things other than how much his family missed him, bills, recitals, etc. It could be that MAYBE, like I think most civilized people should do, your husband still has a decent friendship with his ex. And there is nothing wrong with that or you. Don't be insecure and like oldfart said: he can't touch her from where he is at.
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+3 #3 don't over react — oldfart 2011-05-23 19:49
As an old lady...here is something to consider. Your husband reached out to someone that he knows while in a place that is stressful and dangerous. Maybe he needs someone to vent his fears to, so you don't worry to much. I would keep my mouth shut, and just monitor the conversations. Truth be told if he wants to be with her, he will, whether it is what you want or not.
For the time being he can't touch her from where he is at. And you will be able to lead your conversations into things that may make him realize you are a terrific intuitive wife.

There are always many explanations for what he is doing. He may need a person who doesn't talk about the kids, the house and the bills, or missing him. Someone he has no responsibility to. There are many ways to take your husband's actions, why do we as women always rush to judgement, especially of ourselves. He married you, not her, started a family with you, not her. He didn't settle for you my dear, he made you the mother of his kids and is making a life and career to take care of his family.
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+2 #2 Trust — cinderella9797 2011-05-23 11:42
Personally I think you have every right to look at your husband's email and phone records if need be. If there is nothing to "HIDE" then there's no reason not to have full access. But you also need to be willing to let him have full access to yours. And apparently since he didn't mention that he was communicating with his ex and they were not talking outright on their "WALLS" on facebook......then they were hiding the fact that they were talking.

That would make me a little nervous. You didn't mention what they were talking about so I assume you didn't see anything inappropriate. If it were me I would just tell him outright about how you happened to stumble across his correspondence and ask him about it. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and that you will be checking his "STUFF" on a regular basis from now on. If he has a problem with that.....then I would worry.

Good luck!!!
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+3 #1 Oh oh! — Mya 2011-05-23 08:11
I think you have every right to be concerned. Your husband should not be exchanging emails or letters with his ex-girlfriend. Reason being, there was something between them before and it could possibly lead to them getting involved again. I firmly believe that when a relationship is over and you are involved or married to someone else it's not a good idea to stay in contact with an ex.

I think you should let your husband know you don't feel comfortable with his choice of pen pal. If he refuses to stop communicating with her than you have a problem on your hands.
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