He moved in with me 3 months after we became intimate. He was fun, loving, providing, caring and we had A LOT of fun together. He met all my friends and they all love him. 2 years into the relationship I started drinking heavily to a point where I was just blacking out. There were times he would make comments or say something when I was sober and I would remember it when I was drunk and I would lash out at him, by confronting him, telling him he wasn't what I expected, and now I knew why his wife cheated on him. I would kick him out of my house and tell him not to come back. Well this happened from time to time, but he would always come back - of course with some convincing that I was sorry for my behavior.

About a month ago he traveled to his country, he said he wanted to visit his family. Mind you he never told me he was going until I overheard him telling someone else about it. It wasn't the first time he hasn't shared his plans or info. I had just found out that he said he wanted to move to his country in a year and I asked him about it and he said well yeah wasn't it our plan to move there when the kids were grown. (we have 5 kids between both of us ages 17-23) I just didn't say anything. He's known to put up a wall and shut me out. He called me when he was in his country twice and was gone for 1 week. When he got back he seemed the same until something told me to look at his phone. I saw a text by a girl who he disguised with a guys name, asking him to call her and that she needed to talk to him. I didn't say anything at first. The weekend came and I went out with some friends and got drunk again. So then I lashed out, he said they were friends and it was just a normal friendship and nothing happened. I texted her and she said they were friends. I even called her but the bad thing is I don't remember what she said because I was drunk. Again I kicked him out.

Well later that evening I sobered up, I called him and he came back. He was still upset and didn't say anything. But he didn't have a problem having sex that night (we have a good, healthy sex life) I'm 13 years younger so you can imagine I'm keeping him busy. The next morning I asked if he was going to leave and I admitted I had a problem. He said it's not that I drink but that I had to watch how much I drink. He said he wasn't going to leave me but he said only time would tell. We've been quiet, we haven't touched each other in 2 days. We speak but only briefly. He brings me to work, we talk briefly about things that we have to do (pay bills, household duties, etc.) At night he turns his back towards me but in the middle of the night or in the morning he cuddles up behind me. If I ask for a kiss he gives it to me, not in a much willing way, but gives it.

I still see him on his phone texting more than usual. I don't know what to think. He's told me that if I don't want to be with him to tell him but not cheat on him and he said he would do the same. He said that he's not here forcefully and he knows he can leave anytime he wants to.  I don't know if I can trust him with his past. Yes, I knew he was a cheater but I thought he deserved my trust. I am responsible for a lot of what has happened and he knows I'm good when I'm sober. I don't drink everyday- maybe on the weekends and when I do I drink too much. I'm so confused, I'm afraid he's just going to say "it's time for me to leave" but at the same time his behavior is as if he's staying. He said he isn't going to leave me. 

Help, I'm soooo confused!!! I don't know if I should stop holding on and let him be free.