I have been married for 14 years. I always thought we had a good relationship, things seemed to be good. We had our ups and downs and all the usual relationship problems but for the most part things were good.  My hubby always expressed his feeling to have sex with other women and I thought at first it was just a tool to get aroused during sex if we talked about it. But when I got pregnant with our first daughter things seemed to get more intense. He kept asking me and asking me if it was ok.

I finally said fine, I felt that it would be easier if I knew about it. I wouldn't be the fool, you know? So he asked me with who and I said he could have sex with my mom. Why my mom?  Because my mom has been the type of person who sleeps around and has always had affairs with men. And yes, she is married too. I picked her because I thought that she could do it and walk away. It would satify his curiosity to be with other women while being married and such. Or now I think his midlife crisis.

But opening that can of worms was more then I had ever imagined. Things got so out of control. I thought it was a one time thing but found out that I was a big fool the whole time. They were involved for 2 years and through the birth of our second child as well. I thought I could trust them to walk away, but instead I found out that she loved him and was trying to get him to leave me. Some mom, right? 

I believed him, every word he said until one day my heart was heavy and something kept telling me to check the phone records. It seemed like it took forever to download them to my computer. Waiting for his arrival my heart fell to the floor when the phone records revealed what I already knew in my heart. I confronted him, he tried to lie at first but then he told me that it was going on for a while. I felt sick, I punished myself for thinking that they both loved me enough to walk away. I was a fool. Even after I begged for it to stop it kept going. Then one day she emailed me and said that she wished I was dead. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I tried to leave and he wouldn't let me. I wanted to kill her to say the least.

After 2 years of counseling and many nights of fighting I have finally removed her from my life and I am still married. I love my husband and it has taken me a long time to get past this whole situation. But I know I am to blame too, because I should have said no. I still sit and wonder about all the times he left me and his kids at home what he was actually doing. And sometimes I find myself hating him in that moment. I can't say that I still don't have hard feelings over all this, but I have learned to deal with those feelings. I turned to our church during all this and found that the whole church knew about it in the long run. I was embarrassed and confused about the actions of the church. I needed strength and after a break down found myself again and now I am stronger then ever. 

I know I was wrong for asking my husband to have sex with my mom but I just want them to admit they were wrong for their actions too. I never once got an apology from her for her part in this. Why would she not care enough about me to walk away? She has always blamed my husband for everything. He has told me about things that happened between them. Do I think that he has told me everything?  No, I don't. Will I ever know? Probably not. Is my heart still heavy with this?  Yes, because I let it happen. It's my fault.