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Why did my daughter have to go...? PDF Print E-mail
Story by AngelAbove
Pregnancy & Motherhood

 
Hello everyone…It started when I was young. I was raped and was told that I could never have children. Then 8 years later I was told I was pregnant with a daughter. I carried her the entire 9 months. Everything was great. When I went into labor with her I went to the hospital. The nurses kept telling my husband and I that our daughter was D celling. I was a new mother and lived 900 miles away from my family. His family was in the city that we lived in but they were not at the hospital when I went to give birth. 19 hours later the nurse said something was terribly wrong and they needed to get a doctor. 

 

My daughter was born but she was born brain dead. An hour after I went into labor my daughter was not getting oxygen like she should have been. It is 6 years later and I have had no answers as to what happened to my daughter. I filed a lawsuit against the doctor, started trial that week and found out I was pregnant with my next daughter.  I was very scared to go through the emotional roller coaster. I dropped the lawsuit and I decided to concentrate on my second daughter.

overprotective-momThe lawsuit was not going to bring my first daughter back and I didn't want to put additional stress on my second daughter. She was born early at 8 months with a c-section to ensure her safety. My mother flew to be with me during this time. She was fine. She was born so healthy.

Yet, with me losing my first daughter I have protected my second from everything. I do not let her go anywhere, even with her aunts. The only person she has ever stayed with is my mother and I do not want to send her to community school. I am very scared if I am doing the right thing by protecting her, because I could not lose her too. She is the only reason I wake up. I feel that if I could protect her from everything and never let her leave my sight then nothing is going to happen to her. 

It was my job to protect my first daughter and I let her down, I can't let my other daughter down. I need to know if protecting her and shielding her from all harm is helping or hurting her. Has anyone every been through this and if so could you please explain to me how to be normal? I do not want this to mentally affect my other daughter. 

Please any comments or suggestions would help... Thank you so much!
 

Comments  

 
0 #9 too much — Chance1 2011-07-06 17:10
You did not do anything to hurt or harm your first daughter like your story said. There was no way that you could have prevented anything that happend while you were in labor. She was born that way. As for being over protective with your second, no matter what- what's going to happen, will happen, whether you are being over protective or not.

You need to let her breathe a little and do normal kid things without being like this because she will eventually resent you for it. Also- if she doesn't know why you act like this, you should tell her about her older sister that passed. If she does know, remind her that sometimes you act this way because you don't want anything to happen to her because you lost your first. She will understand better. Hope this helped.
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0 #8 sweetmom — jewel 2011-03-16 20:41
I went back and reread your story and noticed what I did not before..you mentioned being raped. I am sorry this happened to you and of course this happening to you affects your own feelings of safety and securtity in the world. Then add losing a baby and of course you are filled with worry and fear for your young daughter.

The best way we can help our children and each other is to work on healing from our own traumas and sorrows. You are young and have time on your side.
You CAN heal from your losses, find your own incredible inner strength and go on to help others. I know this because I have lived it.

Do not turn to things which mask the pain..ie alcohol, drugs,mindless consumerism, etc. Find loving and supportive, wise people who have been through some stuff and turn to them for guidance. Be safe and aware in this distorted world that hurts people, but do not become blind to the beauty and joy of the world.

There are many kind and loving people in the world who would not hurt a fly....the distorted ones are just cartoon characters to be steered around. I feel for you and will think of you often with good thoughts. I know you can live the life you want and feel safe in the world again.
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0 #7 You can heal — jewel 2011-03-16 20:02
Sweet mom,
You were traumatized when you lost your baby. Trauma leaves a residue of uncertainty and often fear. The best way to help your daughter is to try to find some help to truly heal it as much as possible..so YOU can feel safe and secure in the world again.

Let your daughter be in the world in a normal way. The best way you can keep her safe is to teach her to value herself and her own life, so she can be strong and take good care of herself when your role as caretaker is done. The others are right, you will end up losing her in the long run and doing more damage if you do not let her learn to navigate her way through the world. You will end up crippling her and this will not keep her safe.

Do NOT turn on yourself....your response is a normal one to trauma, please be gentle and kind to yourself and work on healing from your great, great loss...losing a baby has to be one of life's hardest ones. There are so many helpful books in the world, see if you can find some that deal with the issues you are going through and start reading. A grief support group might also help. Love and peace to you and your child.
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+1 #6 RE: Why did my daughter have to go...? — mommy_g 2011-03-14 01:12
I totally understand. I've had 7 miscarriages & the last one almost killed me. I was told I could never get pregnant & now I'm 34 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I want to do the same thing, but you can't completely shield her from the whole world forever. It's just gonna drive her away & make her become rebellious. Let her have a normal childhood. Just make sure you look into everything before you let her go, but you have to ease up before she wants to leave.
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+1 #5 Your daughter — marie 2011-03-08 07:48
I too have gone through what you have. My 3rd daughter was born with congenital heart defect. Yes I said my 3rd daughter. She was to be given a new heart, but in route to the other hospital, her o2 mask was taken off and she was air-bagged. Still have no idea why this was done. When she was air-bagged the idiot exploded both her lungs, she died at 8.5 hours old!!

I got pregnant 3 years later with a son. I was never so scared in my entire life. I went through the pregnancy being so scared. I have a wonderful young man now. I also tried to protect him from everything in life. It was a hard thing to swallow but I was holding him back by doing so.

Please, please do not do this to your daughter. Small steps to let her be who she is. Your love and guidance will keep her safe. I found that out the hard way. Love her and be her mother, but do not smother her and take away the life she has!!
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+1 #4 Knowledge not Suffocation — Oneandall 2011-03-08 00:49
Trying to sheild your daughter from everything and everyone will backfire on you. She needs to experience things and fail with you there for her to fall back on. But, you are suffocating her.

How will she fare if you are no longer around to shelter her? What skills have you taught; allowed her to learn so that she will be able to be a whole human being?
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-2 #3 mother — Cindy 2011-03-07 08:26
You need to stop blaming yourself and trust in God. We may never understand why he took your first daughter...but he has blessed you with another. You can't control her life....only he can. Rest assured that he is watching over her. You really have no control anyway. Enjoy your daughter and bless her with a normal life..
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+3 #2 my thoughts — crystal 2011-03-06 08:54
As a mother of two girls I fully understand…I have lost 3 not knowing why. I try to protect my kids b/c I love them but we can't blind fold them to not see the world. I mean we can protect them while they're little but still let them have fun with our family and friends that we have giving part of our life too... God is with us where ever we go, just trust in him...
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+3 #1 relax — Jennifer 2011-03-05 21:28
You need to let her be a kid and do normal things, if not later on she will resent you. It also seems like a fault on the hospitals part with your first and I'm sorry for your loss.
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