Dear Michelle,
First of all I hope you are still with us. I have also experienced depression and thought about ending it all, but I have never been homeless. This must be difficult. You did not mention the reasons for your homelessness or talk about your physical health, but you mentioned that you receive ssi checks; are you physically disabled or are you on disability due to your mental state? Also, why are you not able to see your kids?

It is very difficult to find anything worth living for when one is depressed and has nothing to look forward to. So telling you that you have to find something that matters to you, that warrants you getting out of bed in the morning, does not help, because you are depressed. In this state nothing seems worthwhile pursuing and your mind is recoiling from the world.

So you have nothing to lose then? If you are ready to take the drastic step to ending your life, then maybe you could first take the slightly less drastic step of changing your life? If that does not work out you can still end it anytime. You really have nothing to lose.

So now that you’ve decided to give it another go, you need to decide what to do. How can you change your life in a way that will change the way you feel about your life, about yourself?

For me, the decision was to go back to school. I was in my 30’s when I enrolled in community college, and I was by far not the only adult present. My path took me from adult re-entry student to graduate school and in the process I’ve learned to understand myself as well as the world more deeply, in a way that satisfies me and gives meaning to my life.

I’m not trying to sell you on education; it’s what worked for me. However the benefit of taking some classes is that it opens up so many areas for one to explore (you can get financial aid). The important thing is that you give yourself another chance (improving yourself). Do something very different. Volunteering (improving the world) – especially overseas – could really take you out of your negative surroundings and completely shift your focus. These are just a couple of ideas, but whatever you decide to do, the change in your life should be drastic (a significant change in how/where (or both) you live your life and positive.

I am a Vietnam Vet, I am bipolar have PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder) due to MST (military sexual trauma). I just want to say that hold on with all you have life is worth living. I for years have had therapy both group and private, and still always found myself wanting and wishing for death to take me. I would pray to God to bring death. I can not tell you how many times I tried to help bring it about. And each time failed somehow and some way, and would feel worse because I even failed at failure. And would ask God why, I couldn't understand and felt worse with each failure. And all of this coming from a child whose father taught his children. That we could do anything we wanted to do as long as we set our heart's and minds to do so.

Then one morning as I was laying in bed not sure if I were asleep and woke up, but think that I was in that stage between sleep and being wide awake. I heard a voice I believe was God talking to me (I was at the end of my rope and it was fraying fast) This coming from a man who was not religous but am spiritual, I do not go to church because I think they are nothing but houses of Hypocrits.

I came away that morning knowing that I was the only one that could change my world or at least the world I was directly connected to. I know and can testify to you that nothing bad happens that something good does not become of it. We may not see it right away but if you watch and listen with your open mind, open heart, and soul you will see the good that comes about. I promise that. I also believe that we get what we give, so if we want life to be better then we have to be better with our lives and giving back in whatever way that you can. It doesn't have to be money, but that you give what and where you can. It will all come back to you.

I am a cancer survivor have been in remission for about 18 months. I tried to get the VA to listen to me, and they kept saying I was a VN VET who has PTSD, bipolar, and depression and it was all in my head. It took me 4.5 years to prove them wrong and to get them to listen to me. And when they did and discovered I was right and that it was inoprerable They told me to go home and get things in order because I would not live to see Jan/2009. I told them to go F____ themselves that I would see them in twenty years and I'd kick their a$ses. They didn't see the humor in that, and branded me hostile and a troublemaker.

Well I fought them tooth and nail I filed a torte claim. Long story short I stood up and took control instead of allowing the depression to grab me. I just always knew that tomorrow would bring something new and good or bad I was going to use my mind to heal myself along with the Grace and strength of God.

When the chemo didn't do much to the cancer, but made me sick as all get out no hair it all fell out. Well all but what I asked God to please let me keep. I prayed He'd let me keep my eye lashes and my eye brows. And He done one better and let me keep a few chin whiskers......lol. So I stopped it and went to traditional Chinese Medicine.

My Chinese Sister-in-law treated me for 8 months. She shrank it more than the chemo did and they radiated the last of it. I was so sick but I had learned that life was worth living and fought for it all the way. And I learned that no matter how much they said I was crazy. Life is to short to worry about what anyone else thinks of you, or thinks you should be doing.

All that matters is that you be true to yourself, live for yourself, and SCREW THEM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE. As long as we do not hurt others on purpose, because there will always be those who are hurt because you don't do it their way. But generally come around to see that you were right in your choice, right or wrong because it made you stronger to make it and keep it real to yourself.

Anyways I don't mean to ramble, but the first time I tried to take my life I was a young boy. In a few days I will be 60 years old and I am so happy I held on and that God was always there for me even when I thought He wasn't there. He looked beyond my faults and truly saw my needs, and loved me anyway through all of them. And that morning I thought I heard God speak to me. I swear when He was done speaking that morning I truly believe I heard Him chuckle. And am glad that He taught me to laugh at life it's easier than crying and it drives the blues away!

I send to you my prayer and know that all will be well with you that your future will be brighter. Because I know that you will find your inner strength and see that each day is better than the last. Much Love and Respect to you Friend. H-J

I am a combat veteran who has gone through 4 years of therapy, counseling, and prescription medications to counteract severe anxiety and depression. I can't say I've shared your pains, but I know EXACTLY what it feels like to just want to fall asleep forever. Recently I came very close to reaching the end of the road, but I had something happen to me that made me grateful to be alive. Please just maintain that tiny little thread of hope you have, because you never know what might be around the next corner.