I blamed myself for a long time until I realized she was the one with the problem. I felt so alone especially after I realized that not all families are as messed up as mine. I cannot count how many times my dear mother told me she hated my guts and wished she had gotten rid of me when she had the chance. Hearing things like that on a regular basis made me depressed. I didn't understand why a mother would say such awful things to her child. It literally broke my heart hearing those things come out of her mouth. 

I don't really remember many good days. It seemed like my mother always had to pick a fight with either me or my father or she wasn't happy. My dad tried to stick up for me but when he realized that spelled trouble for him he stopped trying and instead he let her do as she pleased and he drowned his sorrows in alcohol.

My mother was verbally abusive to me on a daily basis. I remember being called all sorts of ugly names. She also resorted to physical violence but honestly it's the verbal abuse that scarred me for life. I never felt safe, loved or cared for. I prayed that she would realize that I was not a bad kid and we could have a normal relationship.That never happened. I ended up running away from home at the age of 16 and stayed with a friend. Her parents were nice and made me feel very welcome. My dad came to get me after a couple of days and promised that things would change. But it didn't take long for my mother to revert back to her uncontrollable bipolar ways.

I often reflect back on my life and wonder what I did to deserve such hell. Growing up in that environment made me an angry, insecure person but I've made it my life goal to make sure that I don't treat another human being the way my mother treated me. The only positive thing that came out of this was that it made me into a very strong person. I am now a married woman with a child of my own and it's frankly the first time that I ever felt truly loved. My husband knows my entire story, I told him everything so he could understand why I couldn't be affectionate with him in the beginning of our relationship. It's not that I didn't want to, I just didn't know how. My parents never hugged me or showed any type of physical contact so it took some getting used to showing and accepting affection from my husband.

As far as my mother is concerned she never got the help she needed and my dad finally left her. He is married to a wonderful lady and I can tell he's happy now. My mother and I have very little contact because I refuse to let her be a negative force in my child's life. She refuses to take meds that could help her bipolar condition and it seems as though she is content with spending what's left of her life alone.

I have worked really hard on being the exact opposite of what my mother was to me. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my child. I forgave my mother a long time ago. I didn't do it for her benefit, I did it to free myself of the blame I put on myself for what went on in the past. I'm pretty confident that she was put in my life to test me and I'm pretty sure this is one test I aced.