I was sprinting last week and simply tripped. I have no idea how fast I was going. I remember I couldn't allow myself to slow down, and it felt like my legs were   actually running faster when I was trying to slow them down. I remember my last    thought before the fall, 'Oh my God, I am about to fall'. Next thing I knew I was on the ground. I remember just staring into the distance, I could no longer hear the children behind me, the distance looked hazy. After realizing I had no major external or internal bleeding, I slowly picked myself up and looked around wondering if anyone just saw what happened. There was only a woman with a dog, and I am not 100 percent sure, but I can swear there was a smile on her face. I know when I landed, it was on my chest, and that made my entire body bounce off the ground. I had lost most of the flesh on my right hand, the flesh was missing on my left elbow to wrist on my left arm (from sliding down the concrete). As I am writing this, my knees are in moderate pain. After the accident I felt almost zero pain. I am not a doctor, but I am guessing it is from adrenaline. I picked myself and started running again! This time I was crying. Needless to say, I did not run far.

 

After getting to the car, I had no one to call, my friends were other side of town and my roommate never picks up phone. Eventually I sucked in the pain and drove myself home with one hand (who can't drive with one hand?). EVERY single person, but the one I told what happened, didn't believe me. My mom went to a party, my two close friends, the only friends I had said this, "If we find out you are making this up we will never speak to you again". When I arrived at the hospital I was having a full panic attack. The nurse asked the doctor if he would see me and he just waved her off and said, "Bring him to me when he gets down with that". By then I was thinking, my God no one believes this. 

A few days passed and everything seemed to be going decent. I still had massive amount of pain in my chest, knees, collar bone, shoulder and elbow. I was running out of pain meds and I was getting scared. What was I going to do? I could barely breathe and move at same time. I was punching holes in the wall when I mustered the strength to take my mind off the pain. I was leaving abusive verbal messages on my father’s phone, I was going to tell my mother she was my biological mother, but not my mother in my heart. This was not me.

Then one night, it happened. I nosedived, and then those two options appeared...end it, or muster every bit of strength and fight. The following night would remind me of the choice I made...I had another full blown panic attack, this one more terrible. I was rushed to the E.R. At the time I had no idea what caused the panic attack. I think it hit home I did not have the coping skills to deal with the pain and the painful choices that were ahead.

After arriving at the hospital, I was still in severe pain and I made that clear to the doctors. However, I do believe they thought I was just looking for pain meds. I do not blame them. I had no fractures or broken bones. If I was a doctor, I would question what was actually going on. But damn, some of them must have lost their common sense.

The next day, I said sorry to my mom. Thank God, she is amazing. I said sorry to everyone. I took all the blame. It was my fault (some to a certain degree more than others). I didn't care, I shattered my ego. I would have let anyone curse me out. I was not able to go forward knowing I was stuck in the past. Then this gets tackled on...

Two days later, my friends decided to break up and she came over to my place saying Jason hits her. I would have LOVED to help them out, I would love nothing more in the world, but I was almost totally crippled. If not physically (every time I moved a muscle in my leg, my knee would let me know), I was mentally. I told Jason to fix this asap, he did and she was gone the next day. But then she said the following night, "if Jason drinks dxm tonight I'm gonna sleep around." Imagine that for a second, you just tried to save a relationship and then you hear that. The next morning I sent her a text. To avoid a fight,  I took responsibility and told her I was unfit to be the kind friend they needed.

By this time I was about to lose my mind. I told myself I needed to STOP everything. Relationships, communication, whatever, it didn't matter. I had made this clear to everyone in my family. I even dropped my classes. My father still thinks he can get away with being verbally abusive to me. There are still a lot things that need to be changed.

The Life changing Experience.

After I was able to walk down the stairs after 3 days, I went out at sunset and my God, I don't know where to start how this felt. It felt like I just graduated high school. I was questioning everything in my life. Figuring out my priorities, who my real friends were. I could almost touch the sky, zoom in and not take any of it for granted. This life changing experience has me questioning everything in my life, figuring out my priories. I look at people different, I guess you could say I was a push over before the accident, not anymore :D. I feel so good, I can’t explain it. It feels great going from that kind of deep seeded hate to revelations that they are people and I am not better than them. There will be more hard times ahead, but bring it and get it over with. It truly been a life changing experience. I learned so much about myself, my family, my self esteem…