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Living a Lie PDF Print E-mail
Story by Heidi
Secrets

 
Up until a few months ago, I was in what I thought was a happy, fulfilling marriage. We've been married nearly ten years and we have three young children. One day my husband said he needed to talk and told me things about himself that blew my mind. It turns out he has been living a lie and being married to me turned out to be just a cover up. He admitted to being gay and he thought I should finally know the truth.

 

My husband told me he loved me but he couldn't deny his feelings for men anymore and he was going to leave me. He said he tried to suppress his feelings since he was young and it was making him miserable. I was told that when he was younger he wanted to fit in and he decided to find a woman to marry in hopes his attraction to men would go away. Apparently, he had been involved with several men over the years while we were married. All those nights out with the guys were not so innocent like I thought. How could I be so stupid and blind to what was right under my nose?  Here I thought we had a good relationship and it turns out it was all a lie! 

Broken-Marriage-LieI had no clue anything like this was going on. To me we were just like any other couple. We spent lots of time together, and had a regular sex life. I don't understand how a person could do this to someone else and could live with himself. It's bad enough our whole relationship was a total lie but he also put my health at risk by sleeping with all those men. Obviously we were not using protection and I hope that when he told me he practiced safe sex that he was not lying. Either way I plan on getting tested to be on the safe side.

He moved out of the house we were sharing the same night he dropped the bomb on me. He said he was moving in with a guy he was having an affair with for the past two years. We have not told the children the real reason for our break up, and I hope he keeps his promise not to tell the kids till they are old enough to understand. They were devastated enough when they heard we were getting a divorce. I can't imagine how they will react one day when they find out their father left us to be with another man.  
 

Comments  

 
+1 #34 RE: Living a Lie — DEB 2011-08-09 11:10
WOW, that’s hard for you…Imagine living a lie to fit in…? I'm straight but have friends that are gay. I can't imagine not being able to be who you are. I am sure he loves you, and there are many kinds of love. As hard as it is for you if you can understand I am sure you will have someone VERY special and important in your life 4 ever. Good luck.
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+1 #33 the guy is a liar — Thialee 2011-07-23 12:24
The fact that he is gay is besides the point, he lied, lies and is a liar, what a piece of crap. How a person could do that to another is totally selfish, you did nothing wrong. I am sorry for you. It sure seems like a lot of men that are gay try to go the married route first, cheat the entire time, then leave when they find someone they think they love. The straight guys cheat with women, lie about it.. I am just wondering if there are any men that don't lie, straight or gay?
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0 #32 I am in the same boat! — in tears 2011-07-04 00:23
Hi there, I am in the same boat. I always thought I had such a great husband, but my husband just told me that he is a gay 2 days ago. I also have 3 kids and married for 7 years. I don't know what to do and how to react to my husband anymore. He told me that he sometimes felt awkward when he kissed me, held my hands, and had sex with me. But he said he loves me. I was so shocked and couldn't believe that he never felt the same way as I have felt for him. He also complained about my behaviors after having kids. I was just too busy for baby care and couldn't pay too much attention to him(my 3rd baby is still 1yo). I said sorry about it, but he said that he can't forgive me about those behaviors. I am so sad and depressed. Please know that you are not the only one and I hope for our happiness in the future. Let's smile for kids.
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-3 #31 gay people — debbie 2011-05-23 06:03
I don't judge people who are gay and I don't put them down. I have a really nice gay friend in Tenn. He has been a real, true friend. I am not gay and I have never had a desire to even try it. Anyway I really feel for the people who have to go through so much b/s in relationships because these people are evidently really ashamed of it. It says in the Bible you shouldn't sleep with the same sex. So guess what, they're not gonna make it to Heaven. What are they thinking?
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+2 #30 RE: Living a Lie — Guest 2010-09-14 05:23
I can't say I know what your going through. But I found out years ago that I have a gay uncle and 2 cousins who are gay. My uncle was married but no kids and stayed married until she died. I've often wondered if she was a lesbian.

While I can not know what you're going through I do know about loss. My wife was taken from me by a drunk driver 11 years ago and I wonder if you don't feel like a part of you has been taken away from you too?

I can't offer you any good advice or explanations but I can offer to listen and be a friend. For some reason your story touched some part of me. I am a white, 48 year old very straight male so not trying to "hood wink" you here. If you would like a friend to talk to I'd enjoy getting to know you. Either way I wish you the best of luck and hope things get better for you soon. Joe
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0 #29 Gay and lies — Guest 2010-09-04 16:45
I think that is upsetting to know that he wasn't coming clean about all this sooner. I know people that try and try to not believe they are gay. A lot of them are that way because they grew up with families talking about how gross it is and would be disowned if the family member was that way. This will keep them in the closest. I really believe my kids dad is gay and is very insincere about himself. I have always wanted 2 know b/c how he wears his pants, and chick flick shows and etc. I told him we can stay married and be happy if he can just confront it. I would support him, they always need support. There is always signs to show they are gay. He stares at women for a while and not glace I did notice gay in closest they will stare trying to love women. The ones that are straight just glance and not make it noticed. I was with my ex b/f's and took them everywhere, they were sex addicts and they never stared at women like my kids dad does. I would take them to strip places and they had women hit on them and I wasn't in same area of room but they would say its nice but I don't feel right when they are up in the face when g/f is there. My kids dad though he would go and he couldnt stay or made excuses for things and etc. I just can't wait till he comes out and says he is. They hide alot of things and start fights and don't like to hang out with men and say I hate gays they all should be shot and etc is what the gay's in the closest are like. I have been around gay people and they are very secured but I did ask them questions and things they said would be like what my kids dad is. It's ok if he is, I was never going to stop loving him.
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+1 #28 SAGE — Guest 2010-08-21 08:13
I have heard that a lot of gay men do this so they can have kids. I actually know several women who have gone through this. Sometimes the women really don't know but in cases like the airline attendent that was in the news lately, Steve Slater or something like that, come on, he is flamming, and he was married once to a woman. How did she not know? Queen of Denial.
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+1 #27 turns my stomach — Guest 2010-08-13 13:42
[quote name="B. Stevens"]It's understandable that you would be upset and feel betrayed!
> He isn't wrong for being gay, but he is completely wrong for disregarding your feelings and not telling you sooner.
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-2 #26 well this is not so uncommon — Guest 2010-08-13 00:44
I have a friend in Arkansas who married a man who told her he was gay but was not anymore ??? She is very bright but fell 4 this and she just finally got the nerve to leave him like a month ago. Now I'm very accepting of all ppl gay also but she was just 1 of many and my ex girlfriend/bestfriend's ex husband is gay but is also a christian so he is on his 3-4 marriage and cuz of his religion just can't accept he is gay like Ted Hagerd, that super church leader who was doing meth and blowing male prostitutes. It's a very selfish thing and has destroyed many of women lives and I'm a lil mad that ppl do this. You're all selfish a$$hole and if you're reading this and are doing this same thing you need a good kick in your nuts. It's like the worst thing next to putting your hand on a woman in anger it's ok to be gay and all that christian supremist gay is bad bullsh!t. The whole gay thing didn't even show up in the bible till 1946 or even any mention of gay. I mean this ass did it all out of selfish wants, he deceived her to cover his false shame. Don't go having kids you a$$hole but no he did that to so few more lives damaged cuz of your selfishness and then in a final act of his selfishness he has a guy on the side that he finally selfishly moves in with. You self centered prick. I wanna knock your ass out I'm so mad and so hurt for the innocent ppl you have devastated. I bet you and your new boyfriend are so happy together. You a$$hole I hope karma is real and kicks your ass daily. Heidi hun, I am soooo hurt for you and just wish I could do something to make it all ok but I'm afraid only time will do that. Just remember it's all about him, it has nothing to do with you or any percived shortcoming you may think you have. It's cuz he is a selfish prick cuz I'm sure you have been racking your brain wondering what you did or didn't do, but the answer is it's all that a$$hole. It will be ok, I feel you're a survivor.
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+3 #25 RE: Living a Lie — Guest 2010-08-03 19:05
Hi Heidi, I read your story and I just had to respond and tell you to keep your head up. There is no way you can be blamed for anything...and you should not be blaming yourself whatsoever. That is really messed up what he did to you, but life will go on. It blows my mind to think that someone could do that to another person...and drag kids into it as well!

I have no idea how old you are or what you look like, but I have a feeling that you will soon find the man you are meant to grow old with. In the meantime, just concentrate your energy on your kids...they need you more than ever right now...and try to stay positive and remember, everything happens for a reason.
Take care, Brian
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