I was, I believe, pushed into a corner so that God could bring me into His will, because a girl I knew offered me a job where she worked as a personal care assistant, serving people with various health circumstances.

I left my belongings mostly out of wanting a new start and to leave the past behind. I was in an abusive relationship and living in sin, though I thought it was just fine or the norm. God literally turned my life around completely, and sometimes I think the only reason He helps me so much is because I'm so hopelessly confused, because of my childhood traumas.

Still, my life was made completely new and everything about my health was new. It was what I believe to be "born again" to a spiritual body, because I literally looked like a completely different person, and acted like a completely different person, although I was at the same time, truly myself, for the very first time.

However, several things occurred to confuse me further. There was a man on the highway who walked everyday, in the blizzard to the edge of the city, rain, sleet, sun or snow. It was storming badly so I stopped and asked if he needed to be taken anywhere to get out of the storm. He gave me the most hateful look that I just started crying, and felt horrible about myself. I told God that I would take the place of Jesus. I thought maybe he could just see my sins, or maybe he could see that I did think he was handsome, which I know is wrong but just the truth.

A few years later, after I was born again, (I think) he was digging through trash cans around town, and I guess has been for quite some time. He showed up at my house and I told him that I really respect him for what he does. Because I do! He seemed to not recognize that I was the same person, because he treated me quite differently. I began to try to emulate his example in order to encourage him and am amazed that even though he is homeless I believe, he turned down an offer of enough money for an apartment and said that he has everything that he needs, so it should go to the children in Africa who eat dirt because they are so low on B12 vitamins.

On another occasion, he told me that I should quit invading his soul and on yet another told me that he was the ruler of the world, and started saying this stuff about Barnabas. Yet, some kids and I started helping him and our lives changed dramatically. So, I thought I was helping Jesus, even though he was talking against Jesus, how could a person be so unselfish and present a life like Jesus lived, making so many people believe in Jesus, and be bad? Anyhow, the church I was going to began a Daniel fast in January one year, but I continued to fast, not religiously exactly but overall, for the most part, drank lots of water and read the Bible constantly.

Some kids wanted to raise money for charity so we held a sale, and one of the first customers was a man who had been standing in front of the church a block from my house. He was very interested in the book collection and asked why I was getting rid of all of my books. I didn't want to tell him that we were raising money for charity so I told him that it was because I had started reading the Bible, and since then, it's the only book I want to read. He told me that he was just a lone wolf, ? whatever that means, and that I shouldn't have such blind faith. I just ignored it, because a lot of people don't believe in Jesus, but that doesn't mean that they should be treated differently.

He was on bicycle and told me that it looked like I needed something to eat. I was very thin at this time because of the fasting but also because I was lacking the money to buy food enough for myself sometimes, and since the other neighborhood kids showed up, I was unsure if I would have enough to feed them all lunch. Because of this, I said, thank you! That would be nice of you, when he offered to bring us lunch. He came back with a few things and spent some more time visiting with us. He told me that he was in between places and homeless and asked if I knew where he could stay.

My uncle is a pastor, who had just inherited my grandfather's home, and so I thought surely he would be grateful for the chance to serve a homeless man. I told him about the place and he said that would be very kind. He brought in the food and then said he was going to the Salvation Army for lunch. He spent I believe his last money on us! I couldn't believe it, because his generosity was something that is rare to see. I was so thankful for his generosity, and gave him a hug and suddenly he asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought he was just joking, because for one thing, I was very naive and thought that he was Jesus, I guess just because he had long hair and was homeless.

It was very prejudiced of me I suppose, but the way I see it, is that it didn't matter if he was Jesus or not. You should love everyone. It was confusing because of what he said, and not to mention that his name is Michael. I just brushed it off because I was so happy to have the chance to do something that I thought would glorify God. I called my uncle and left a message, and then went to my grandfather's farm to begin cleaning. My cousin, his son, showed up and told me that I could leave because my uncle didn't want anyone staying there. No one ever called me back.

My father told me that even if they did let him stay there, there would be no heat and that they didn't have the money for the heating oil, even though he sold oil for furnaces, and soon after spent fourteen thousand dollars remodeling their kitchen. He also called me from a casino on Easter Sunday, even though he is a Christian, it felt like he was trying to make me feel bad, or make me sad. I had been feeling as though I should leave my family, but have always been very close to my family, and so it didn't make sense as to why God seemed to want this from me. I said God, if this is really what you want from me, have my uncle turn down the man.

Michael had been arrested for something minor, I believe sleeping on the park bench or something, and taken to a mental hospital, where he wrote to me. He remembered my address and wrote me often so I wrote back. I brought him some books and other items like socks that he asked for. On one occasion I had a bad feeling, like I should not go, but I did. When I was about to leave, Michael gave me a hug, but then assaulted the side of my leg, as a dog would do. I was upset and didn't know what he was doing or why he wouldn't let me go until I realized what was going on. I left and told him that it was not acceptable. He apologized and told me that it was due to his mental illness and medication, and offered to help me with my art show. I decided that I would risk getting hurt again, if it would make other people think about Jesus.

When I first started going to church I was blogging about my experience and had about 12,000 some hits on my blog. I was seeing some of the readers who were not Christians, when I was with the people I worked for in wheelchairs, or with Michael. I know God used the situation for good because of the looks on the people's faces, and also because I see on their facebook that they are becoming friends with people from our church. Still, Michael told me that there was no point in seeing me if there were no "reward" and then I started going paralyzed. I lost my mind, because I had been raped so much as a kid and I didn't understand why God would want this.

It almost appeared as though God was taking me up on my offer to take the place of Jesus, but I didn't want to believe that because it would be the same as anti-Christ thought in a way. Still, I was like a spiritual prisoner and I don't know what was happening to me but it was very scary. In the morning, my legs would feel like they had 300 pound weights tied to them, as well as when I went into the church. It felt like I was empty and God would fill me with the weights of others. It mostly only happened when I was around Christians.

I tried to ask my pastor but he told me that I should have known better than to help a homeless man? This is from a church who speaks about Satan controlling you and laying hands and everything else that sounds quite insane, honestly, so I thought he would be able to help me but he basically told me that I needed mental help. Isn't Jesus our mental help? Isn't He the healer? I tried to write a letter to the man who took the cans from our garbage to tell him how confused I was, and he seemed to be helping me, when he showed up it would go away and he was showing up every single week around the same time. Then I fractured my spine and since Dec. 2008, began going paralyzed as I said.

I told Michael what was occurring and he just laughed and so I told him I don't think I even believe in Jesus anymore because of him. It wasn't really true and I don't know why I said that but that was when all of the bad things happened. I have since apologized to him and told him that I was a fairly new to church and he accepted my apology and has even begun going to church himself, as well has had a home for a few years. We have become friends but he started to act in an inappropriate manner and so I told him that he should turn away from sin and have not initiated contact because I do not want him to sin.

I don't know what to do about my family because we have drifted apart from this situation. My mom told me that she was going to put me in a mental hospital if I didn't start eating, so I did, even though I felt it was going against God. I decided that it would be good for me to gain weight to appear unattractive to Michael as well. However, I have seen a lot of the homeless people in our city have gained a lot of weight and are always at the grocery store and I feel like God is telling me that my sin is causing them to suffer. However, a woman told me she would pray for me, and my paralysis has healed in November. I called the clinic and told them that Jesus healed me and that I didn't need any more appointments.

The trouble is that now I have gained 60 plus pounds and I am not at all someone who people will look up to, and even my family talks badly about me. But I found out that my father raped my mother right after I was born, and my mother is choosing to live in sin with a man who was hitting on me. I tried to warn her but she doesn't seem to want to speak to me since, and seems to basically have chosen him over me. She did come up here about a month ago and gave me presents, but I think it's to make herself look good to him, because he's rich, and she has always wanted to be rich. She told me that I should never marry a man unless it's for the money.

I don't understand what to do. I feel like I am Satan himself because everything is being destroyed around me. All of my friends have quit talking to me and even though I almost gave a great testimony by how my life changed so dramatically, I feel that I ruined that by losing my composure in front of them. I feel that even though God wants to help me so much, it's only because I'm so hopeless. I don't know how to give up everything as it says in the Bible and yet still be someone who others look up to, to bring more people to Jesus.

Also, I don't understand why my family doesn't even think it's amazing that I was going paralyzed and it basically just disappeared. They just think I'm crazy and are probably laughing at me. When my Mom came the other day with her boyfriend, Michael showed up and invited us to a church organ recital across the street. He still has long hair and looks like Jesus and she seemed polite toward him, but I told her I was studying religion and when I called to thank her for the gifts a coat and phone that she gave me, she doesn't call me back, and neither does my father. How do I know what God wants me to do?